Part 1 - The Pregnancy
It is November 2012, I get my first cycle since July 2010 after conceiving and birthing my beautiful Immali. It is a day we have been waiting for finally it might be time to add to our wonderful family. By mid December I knew, I just knew there was new life growing inside me. But I waited and on Christmas morning I rushed to the loo so I could pee on the stick with enough time to wrap it up and give it to hubby as his Christmas present. Can I tell you this is no easy task with 3 kids rushing from their bedrooms eager to open presents. I was so relieved and excited to find those double lines. A perfect Christmas gift from God. And it was I had to wait almost 2 weeks to see those beautiful double lines again.
We got through Christmas and new year. It was exciting. I dont think I waited to tell anyone this time. Then we started planning the birth. I contacted the closest midwife to us. I had met her when pregnant with Immali. I thought she would be perfect, she was just lovely last time I met her. But I thought it has been two years lets meet again. We chatted for a couple hours, talked about birth, talked about what I wanted, talked about what she wanted, talked about her fears. A knot grew in my stomach as the meeting progressed. When she left I just fell into a mess of tears. She didnt seem right for us personally. She was still lovely and wonderful, but I had changed. What was I going to do, there are no other options. There is no one else. I cried for days and days.
And so I am left pregnant and without a midwife. Life goes on as I decide what to do. I am sure that I am pregnant with twins. I feel connected to two little lives. My little Ukpik and Tuktu, yet I feel more strongly connected to one than the other. I announce that bubs name is Ukpik with no mention of Tuktu. I start planning for a holiday birth. My beautiful friend and midwife, will care for me through my pregnancy via Skype and be with me while I birth in someone elses house, someone elses space, in the unknown with 3 kids and no Damo. I was terrified and excited at the same time. I cannot express how excited I was to have Lisa with me while I birthed, it made me smile every time I thought about it. But I was scared, I was scared how I was going to cope, where I was going to stay, how I was going to get home with 4 kids on a 5 hour drive. The most precious friend in the world offered to leave her family for 2 weeks and come to be with me and help me while I was away. She truly is a gorgeous person. She has become my sister. With her there it seemed much more possible.
I decided to have an ultrasound. If there were two precious babies I needed to have the car kitted out before the birth and have everything I needed for two packed. Have a plan in place for all possiblilites.
About 2 days before the ultrasound, something was different. I no longer felt the need to say babies, I no longer felt Tuktu was there. My little boy had left me. I struggle to type this out now, but it needs to be spoken. People may not believe me, what proof have I got. But mothers intuition has got to count for something. And so I go off for the ulstrasound hoping I am wrong. getting them to accept my midwife referral was a task, but eventually we go in. There is one precious little bundle with one perfect heart beat. My little Ukpik is strong and healthy. We dont find out the sex but I am sure a little girl is waiting to meet me.
The fear and scare of birthing away from home continues to eat at me. I decide to research unnassited or freebirthing as an option. Could I really do this? What would I do if I bled, what would I do if.... there were so many ifs that went through my mind. I need a doula. I will have my friend but a doula if I can get a doula I can do this. Yes I can this will be perfect, it will be amazing.
Doula 1, a number of life changes means she can no longer support me. I am totally crushed, just shattered. If I cant have Lisa I need her I cannot do it without her. I cry for days. Then I am thankful for her honesty and love. She cared for me enough not to give it a go knowing full well she might fail. She gave me time to make the plans and prepare to birth without her. I will always be thankful for her honesty.
Doula 2, lets just say she scared me. She had never attended a homebirth and I was honestly scared she would not cope at an unnassisted birth.
Doula 3, mid July I am due 1st September, she seemed wonderful, perfect this was it problem solved. Plus she can encapsulate my placenta. However she decided that I didnt need enough support from her. She is not a babysitter, she felt my needs too menial.
34 weeks, no doula, no midwife to be with me. Do I go ahead with this plan. am I a crazy lunatic. No this is what I am suppose to do. I want to birth in my space, in my home, with my things, my shower, my toilet, my bed. I just cry and cry. Kierra was an amazing shoulder if she lived any closer she would need a raincoat.
I find peace I can do this. God whispers to me, I will be with you, I will hold your hand, I will guide your baby, trust me and everything will be just fine. Then he gives me this song:
I told very few people of my plans. I dont want to hear their fears. I dont want to take the risk of those becoming mine. I need a clear head and positive thoughts. I know what I am doing carries risks. But I have planned for them everything will be fine. The people I told were all very supportive, thank you to those who stood by me and put up with me. Lisa was my rock, through it all. She supported whatever decision I made, no matter how many times I changed my mind, she supported me and did everything she could from a distance. I seriously must have been driving her mental. Im sure she wished she could reach through the phone and shake some sense into me. She has the patience of a saint to put up with me.
I become more and more pregnant as you do. Things are going well. I am seeing the hospitals antenatal clinic. Ukpik is strong and healthy, I am strong and healthy everything is going wonderfully. Braxton kicks start kicking in, it all starts getting very exciting. I talk to Ukpik each day. I tell her I cannot wait to meet her. I tell her I miss her brother and wish I could meet him. I tell her to stay put please stay put till my sister friend gets here. One day short of 40 weeks my beautiful sister Tammie turns up. She is here yay woohoo, once she has cleaned my house let this show get started. No honestly I didnt think that, I wanted things to kick in that night, I hadnt asked her to come wanting her to clean.
The night comes and goes no baby. I am 40 weeks.
Part 2 is here
I told very few people of my plans. I dont want to hear their fears. I dont want to take the risk of those becoming mine. I need a clear head and positive thoughts. I know what I am doing carries risks. But I have planned for them everything will be fine. The people I told were all very supportive, thank you to those who stood by me and put up with me. Lisa was my rock, through it all. She supported whatever decision I made, no matter how many times I changed my mind, she supported me and did everything she could from a distance. I seriously must have been driving her mental. Im sure she wished she could reach through the phone and shake some sense into me. She has the patience of a saint to put up with me.
I become more and more pregnant as you do. Things are going well. I am seeing the hospitals antenatal clinic. Ukpik is strong and healthy, I am strong and healthy everything is going wonderfully. Braxton kicks start kicking in, it all starts getting very exciting. I talk to Ukpik each day. I tell her I cannot wait to meet her. I tell her I miss her brother and wish I could meet him. I tell her to stay put please stay put till my sister friend gets here. One day short of 40 weeks my beautiful sister Tammie turns up. She is here yay woohoo, once she has cleaned my house let this show get started. No honestly I didnt think that, I wanted things to kick in that night, I hadnt asked her to come wanting her to clean.
The night comes and goes no baby. I am 40 weeks.
Part 2 is here
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